Go with the Havs

I know Havaianas slippers have been popular for ages but believe me or not, I only have my very first pair just recently. Embarrassing? Of course not! I never have to feel embarrassed for not following the trend. I am simply not the type of person who will spend much on something I will rarely use - that includes a pair of slippers. The heels of my feet hurt every time I have them on for longer period of time.

So what made me buy one? Nothing! I mean I didn't bought one... My Tito who is working abroad as a seaman bought one for me. Naturally it's color green (my favorite color) with jelly-like straps. I'm making a blog post about it because... not to show off of course! I just want this blog updated yet no good topic crosses my mind...

Magic Chips

Magic chips cheese flavor... it's so yummy I can't help but make a post about it. Haha!

My Wooden Box

I have always wanted to sort out the stuff I have been collecting for years but unfortunately, I do not have the time to do so because of my tight schedule. But then after my brother's death, I felt the urge to sit down and finally dig my stash of old (and mostly damaged) photographs and later leads me to dig out some more including my unused lipstick and accessories, old letters and cards from friends, half-filled journals, college test paper and class cards, souvenirs from birthdays and weddings, tickets from memorable trips and a lot more.

It would have been easy to sort things out if only they were placed in a certain area such as a huge photo album for the photographs and a glass cabinet for collectibles. But since I move a lot or rather, I lived in various homes (our house, my aunt's, boarding house, dorm), I find it difficult to organize all my stuff.

Seeing my old stuff again made me reminisce the past, be it happy or sad. It made me remember various people who once became part of my life, people who helped me get through the day by giving me a piece of paper torn out from a notebook with inspiring words written in it, people who failed me (talking about grades), and people who made a difference in my life by doing something they are not even aware of. Those things are witnesses of what my life was before... those things are part of the memories of my past... especially with my recently departed brother.

Unfortunately, because of my desire to move on in life and get over the loss of my brother, I burned some of them even if some of the things I burned have nothing to do with him. Seeing them slowly disappear as they turned into ashes made me feel like my sadness is also disappearing with them. My only regret for doing so is that, I should have taken pictures before finally throwing them into the fire my mother made.

Right now, I am working to organize my memories... old photographs in a wooden photo organizer and collectibles in a wooden cabinet thus the title "My Wooden Box". Things such as happiness, sadness and lessons learned are stored in a sturdier storage called heart and mind.

(I will also start a blog with the same title and subject.)

Forever Missed, Forever Loved

It has been exactly one month after my brother Lawrence passed away. His death came as a surprise for us because he never gave us signs or warnings even just a day before he died. That made it more difficult for us to accept his passing. He left us without telling us or letting us know what he's feeling, if he's sick or what.

Though I always try my best to look at the bright side of life, I still can't help but question the events. There are so many people on their sickbeds waiting for death to end their misery... people in prisons who deserve life sentence. Of all people why him? He has not yet fully enjoyed his earthly life. If he was gravely ill a few days before he died, we might have prepared ourselves. We might have bid him farewell and let him know that he is loved. It would have been easier for us to accept because we know that he is prepared for his final departure.

It has been a month but yet the memory is still fresh. I can vividly recall my uncle calmly telling me that he's gone... Seeing him in the emergency room covered in white cloth... not moving... lifeless! The thought of him gone keeps on breaking my heart again and again and again. I think it will never stop breaking. I wonder how long am I gonna stay this way. I know he doesn't want to know that I'm emotionally troubled right now but I can't help it. I can't help not to grieve for the loss of someone who loved me in his own special way.

Brother bear, wherever you are, please make your presence felt. Please let me know how are you doing right now. I hope you know that everyday I think of you. I'll forever miss and love you...

If Only...

Today is the 17th day after my one and only sibling stopped breathing... 5th day after he was taken to his final resting place. Though friends are telling me to move on, I cannot deny the fact that the pain I am feeling right now is as fresh as ever. His death is so sudden that it hit me like a bullet. We weren’t able to say goodbye to each other... we weren’t able to settle whatever score that needs to be settled... and most of all, I wasn’t able to tell him how much I love him despite of what he is.

He wasn’t the typical older brother or the perfect older brother figure. In fact, I was more like the older one when talking about being responsible. He is often misunderstood, even by me sometimes, but his being different is what made him special to us.

He may not have my self-confidence, my intelligence or the will to succeed but he has the patient to understand his often moody, authoritarian and sometimes self-centered younger sister. He prioritizes his younger sister above himself. His friend even quoted him saying, "what's important is my younger sister". Those phrases broke my heart into pieces...

He may not be the best older brother most people want to have but his love for me and my mother is remarkable. If I want scrambled egg, I can easily get it without having to lift a finger. If I want green mangoes, he’d gladly pick the best one for me. If I want a massage, he’d willingly do it not just for Php 20 or a bottle of Mt. Dew but more importantly, for his tired younger sister.

Every time he finds out that I’m sick, he becomes sick of worry and will do anything to help take good care of me. If I don’t have money to pay for something, he’ll offer whatever small amount he has (or even offer to sell his chickens and lend me the money from it).

If only I can bring back the time, I’d to what I can to make things right... to make him feel that he is loved and valued despite of his weaknesses. I’d spoil him like an older sister would spoil her baby brother. I will set aside my role as the younger one, the one that needs to be pampered.

If only I can bring him back for only a day or even just an hour... I’d do whatever it takes.